Are You Lonely, Toronto?
Let's optimize for connection, not just convenience
Despite living in a city of millions of people, it’s pretty easy to feel disconnected and lonely in Toronto.
On a recent Saturday morning, I left my house on foot, walked 12 minutes to the nearest grocery store, listening to a podcast along the way. My noise cancelling earbuds prevented me from hearing if any of the handful of people I walked by said hello, although they probably didn’t since most were also broadcasting something into their ears. Upon arriving at the store, I found the few items I was looking for, again not interacting with anyone I passed, and headed to the checkout. As is common these days, I was encouraged to use the automated self-checkout, as there were three of these and only one human cashier. No human interaction necessary to pay for my purchase and head out. Next, I took the stairs down to the subway and just caught the train before the doors closed. Whether or not my fellow passengers were wearing earbuds, everyone was doing the typical big-city transit trick of strategically avoiding eye contact all all costs. Stare at the advertisements, out the window, or into space, but most definitely not directly at anyone else. So again, no interaction.
These scenes are common and continuous in our city. Technology is very convenient but removes many opportunities we used to have for social interaction, even in passing. Single-use zoning, where there is separation between where we live, work, and shop also makes it less likely people in the same neighbourhood will interact since there are fewer things to do together near home. Car dependency removes even further points of interaction, especially when people enter a car parked in a garage without ever going outside. “Third places”, such as cafes can help, but not if you place your order on your phone in advance and scroll on that phone while enjoying your beverage.
According to recent data from the Toronto Foundation, we know that 37% of Torontonians describe themselves as feeling lonely most of the week, and that increases to 44% for young adults. These numbers are 9 percentage points higher than the national Canadian average. More than half of people who had had a rich friend network in 2013 no longer do. Around 2012, when smartphone use surpassed 50% and social networks like Instagram and Snapchat launched, loneliness became more common, especially among younger people. And of course the pandemic with its lock-downs also had a major impact. So while loneliness may not be a new issue, it is certainly an issue for many people in our city today, and for different reasons than in the past. Technology and urban design are significant barriers to improving this situation.
Social connection requires skills that atrophy if they aren’t used regularly. Put another way, if you haven’t said hello to a neighbour or chit-chatted with a cashier for a while, it will be harder to do that again. Awkwardness, social anxiety, and change of habit make it less likely social interactions will occur, even when they’re not blocked by technology or urban design. This means that this problem is self-reinforcing; it gets more and more difficult to interact with others the less you do it.
At the same time, we know that there are significant benefits to having “weak ties”, where you’re not necessarily friends with someone, but you interact with them on a somewhat regular basis. Many studies have shown that mood improves when we interact with more and different types of people. For example, a 2024 study found that knowing as few as six neighbours significantly reduced loneliness and improved well-being. Another study done in 2022 correlated happiness with interacting with different types of people (family, friends, coworkers, strangers), so variety matters. Yet another study by Epley & Schroeder in 2014 found that commuters who talked to strangers said they had significantly better commutes, but interestingly they predicted they wouldn’t. A smile and you’ll feel like smiling situation.
These weak connections are also the flywheel for new friendships. It’s not that every casual acquaintance needs to turn into a friendship, but some may. Given how hard it tends to be for adults to make friends, this is an important benefit of having more weak ties. Knowing a wider variety of people also increases the chances you’ll find out about new job opportunities, social events, hobbies, cultural events, and more.
So what can we do about this? Some of the solutions are structural. There’s a recent trend of some retail stores going back to human cashiers to reduce shoplifting. While that’s a different reason for this change, it does put the human-to-human connection opportunity back into your grocery run. Streets that are designed for more than just cars, with benches, wider sidewalks, and greenery can help encourage socializing. Zoning changes that allow retail stores in residential neighbourhoods can result in neighbours meeting each other more often.
Other solutions are personal. Armed with the knowledge that more weak ties is a good thing, each of us can make an effort to increase our frequency of communication with others. Recently, Esther Perel published a piece on talking and listening to strangers with helpful suggestions. Another recent piece about replacing the self-checkout with small talk is also relevant. For a deeper dive, check out the book We Should Get Together: The Secret to Cultivating Better Friendships, by Kat Vellos.
I’m sure none of us want Toronto to be known as the loneliest city in Canada. While this is a complex issue with many interrelated causes, it is well worth addressing. Over-optimizing for convenience and efficiency with technology and urban design has had unintended consequences. We can dial that back just enough to give ourselves the opportunity to learn how to talk to each other once again.